Changes!

Transitions: Making sense of Life’s Changes

 

• Endings. Every transition begins with one. Too often we misunderstand them, confuse them with finality: “That’s it, all over, finished!” Yet how we recognize endings is key to how we can begin anew.
• The Neutral Zone. The second hurdle of transitions: a seemingly unproductive “time-out” when we feel disconnected from people and things in the past and emotionally unconnected to the present. Yet the neutral zone is really a time of reorientation. 
• The New Beginning. In transitions, we come to beginnings only at the end, when we launch new activities. To make a successful new beginning requires more than simply persevering. It requires an understanding of external signs and inner signals that point the way to the future.

 

Change is a constant in life and when an event shows up, you can bet some type of life transition is occurring. Here are 5 common places change occurs:

• Losses of relationships: death, friend moving away, marital separations, children leaving home, alienation of friend, death of pet or hero
• Changes in home life: getting married, having child, having spouse retire or becoming ill/recovering, returning to school, changing jobs, going into depression, moving to a new house/remodeled old one, experience increase/decrease of domestic tension
• Personal Changes: getting sick or well, experiencing notable success or failure, changing eating habits, sleep patterns, sex, starting/stopping school, changing lifestyle or appearance
• Work and Finances changes: getting fired, retiring, changing jobs, changes within organization, increase/decrease income, taking on new loans/mortgages, discovering career advancement is blocked
• Inner changes: spiritual awakening, deepening social/political awareness, psychological insights, changes in self-image or values, discovery of new dream/abandonment of old one

One of the major reasons we struggle so much with life’s transitions is that we let fear control our thoughts, causing us to either get caught in a hypnotic state or stall from moving forward. 

The key to overcoming this fear is to understand how to navigate these transitions and begin moving forward. Below are 7 ways  to support you in navigating these transitions without getting stopped: 

1. Realize that transitions are inevitable. 
2. Adjust your usual schedule around the transitions. 
3. Take the time to acknowledge the past, the present, and what you believe is the future.
4. If you find that anger or sadness, or some other strong emotion, is holding you back, acknowledge the emotion.
5. If you are able to break the transitions into smaller pieces you may deal with them better.
6. Reinforce each positive step you take towards the transition.
7. Educate yourself about what this transition means to you. 

Final thoughts: No one ever said navigating life's challenges would be easy, but it is possible. The easiest way to make any life transition more challenging is to fight it. Although it can be natural to resist the change, holding on to the past will only cause more challenges and prolong the adjustment period. Allow yourself to practice "being" with the change and the transitions that occur and you will not only grow in the process but you may just surprise yourself regarding your own ability to successfully navigate what's in front of you. 

The floor is yours: What's your tip for overcoming unexpected challenges?

 It isn't the changes that do you in, it's the transitions.

Gratitude is a Gift to Everyone

When all is said and done in our lives, most of us find that our greatest treasures were tender and heartfelt moments shared with others. So remember that as you journey through your life. Next time someone you care about is feeling blue, isn't well, receives a terminal diagnosis, or is simply getting really old, make time to share your heart with them. Override the desire to buy into your own excuses about how you don’t have the time or energy or don’t know what to say or do or it simply doesn't work for you to show up for them.

 

I just came back from a month trip being a caregiver to a friend who suffered a massive stroke a couple years ago, and even though her recovery has been extraordinary and she has regained some of her strength and capabilities, when the initial diagnosis was she wouldn't talk again let alone walk, she is doing it!   I learned so about myself by spending time caring for her and that to give is to receive. The most valuable gift is the gift of yourself.

 I’ve adopted a favourite expression that we are all doing the best we can. Each of us is an assortment of skills, abilities, fears, traits and preferences. Compassion comes forward when we realize that how we think another “should” behave is of no significance. I needed to think about what it would be like if I walked in her shoes, and that I would likely behave no differently than she does and that compassion for one another goes a very long way. 

 

Whether you are the person who is ill or the one loving and supporting, your job is simply to do your best to be true to yourself without hurting others. Pay attention inwardly and be bold about honoring yourself.

Love only grows by sharing. You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others.

Lessons Travel Teaches You

There is nothing like traveling to put you in a reflective mood, to look back to see what our past experiences gave us and have taught us.

The unknown can be scary, and for what it is worth at 50 years old, I am both anxious and excited. I have talked with many friends and family and all say, it is never too late to be whoever I want to be.  I hope I live a life I can be proud of.  If I find that I am not, I hope I have the courage to start all over again.

I will be heading to Belize, a new destination with a completely different culture and language, a new system of transportation and new etiquette in a couple days. But it will force me to face the fear of what’s-to-come head on, to be more present in the moment and to take things as they come. There’s always going to be some nervousness associated with leaving a place you are comfortable with and heading to someplace new but my anxiety is becoming more about the excitement of the journey and less about the fear of the unknown.

I have to stay open to whatever comes my way, to fill my cup and not think about what I should be doing, or where I need to be.  What I need to do, is let go of my ideals, if I don't I am not present to what is happening in the moment. There is so much beauty in the world, missed because we are so focused on what we should be doing. 

I have done some traveling over time, and it has many ways of teaching us, like presenting situations that require asking for help, something I have always struggled with. From small things like asking for directions to big things like rentals, and menus.  Learning how to simply ask for help, and sometimes trusting/relying on someone else!

To be able to seek uniqueness, see beauty, and discover culture in the histories and people that make each place unique will change my behaviour and thinking.  I will learn to be more flexible about things, and take it in stride.  Travel really is the greatest classroom of life, every sense is heightened when you’re traveling and you’re on your toes like never before. I really don’t think there’s anything we can do as adults that captures the wonder of our childhood like travel does. 

I will do my best to let my gut be my guide, because it will allow me to either have a  great experience or avoid frustration and bad experiences.  Freedom is more rewarding than security.  At times it’s better to throw out your plans and just dive in head first. 

I have always been resilient, there will be no doubt be at least one instance where a plan goes to s*** or something unexpected happens and I can’t let it ruin my day or your trip. I’ve missed planes and trains, showed up to museums that are closed on the only day I could attempt to visit them, been rained out, lost train tickets, but I soon realized it isn’t the end of the world. Being able to “roll with the punches” or at least be flexible with plans is a great asset when you travel, but also in life.

We should never stop challenging ourselves with new experiences, and better late than never!

Will you say, "I wish I had", or " I am glad I did"?  I am going out to explore and see what the world has in store for me!

Bon Voyage

8 Weeks of Lessons

If you aren't making mistakes you probably aren't trying hard enough. And the biggest mistakes often yield the biggest lessons.

 

Many of us have heard from friends or family or a colleague, " don't dwell in the past." especially after something life changing or bad has happened to us.  While I agree the past is not a place you want to hang out in for an extended period of time, it is a place to find answers. Reflecting on past errors in a productive way is the only way to learn from them.

 

Sure a pity party for a day to two is ok, I had mine.  I needed to face my feelings.  I was hurt and vulnerable and angry.  But the good news is I didn't have a pity party hangover!  I took control of the situation and maintained my spirits.  I knew I could get through this tough time by taking care of myself, reaching out to others and taking the opportunity to rethink my goals, what I wanted for myself and rediscover what makes me happy.

 

Reflective thinking allowed me to process what happened and improve myself afterward. By examining what worked and what didn't I was able to mine the best take-aways from losing my job, my successes and failures, and use that knowledge to push myself forward.  I am always trying to be better. 

 

1.Review. 

I looked back on what I accomplished and where my time was spent and where I made mistakes.  After all, it was me who lost her job, and I needed to take responsibility for that. I wasn't going to move on unless I knew where I messed up today.  So I asked myself. Where did I come up short?  Where did I come up strong?  How was I showing up?  I made a list of everything that stood out. I celebrated the wins and noted the losses

 

2. Reflect.

I had to digest what I had done, good and bad. Taking time to contemplate and examine every item on my list in more detail, with a single goal ~ to learn from each experience.

So I asked myself more questions.  What plans worked? What decisions provided good results? What decisions ended up being wrong?  If I were to do it all over again, knowing what I know now, what would I do differently and why?  Thinking deeply today to prevent my tomorrows from falling into the same traps as yesterdays was the only way I was going to find the lessons.

 

3. Recover.

When things don't go as planned, I need time to recover.  I have made plenty of mistakes. I have taken risks that didn't pan out, cost me emotionally, financially and physically. Recovery time brings closure.  Letting myself feel bad in my short pity party motivated me to fix what I could fix, and some of it, I just had to let go.  It freed me up to move forward.  An amazing friend said to me, " with every look at the past, always keep an eye toward to future."  "The sun will come up tomorrow", he said.  He was right, because it helped me recover effectively without wallowing at my very own pity party.

 

4. Rearrange.

So now I had to get after it. I had to examine what went wrong to reveal where I lost sight of what was important. Stuck in my standards and ideals of how I think things should be for not just myself but everyone around me, I wasn't present to my values and principles and what was really important to me. After a good hour with my coach, I hit the pause button. I had to feel the impact of what had come about for me.  I was pushing and pushing forward in a direction I shouldn't be going.

 

5. Recharge.

I learned a lot in that hour.  It revealed a part of me I didn't realize was showing up, and I didn't like it - at all!  I wasn't aware I was behaving in a way that made others feel inadequate.  I was coming off as superior. How awful!   I suddenly felt ashamed and humiliated, and knew I had to clean up those messes I had created to get complete with the loss of my job and other relationships.  Even though I recognized I didn't do anything wrong or bad, I wasn't the only one going through a tough time.   My former boss faced a hard choice and it wasn't easy for him to let me go.  I had to step back and see where he helped me along the way, giving me a chance to try something new, that ultimately didn't work. 

 

People will tell you, I have a tendency to over think things, and let my mind rule me.  But I believe reflective thinking is important to unlocking the door to growth.  It expands your thinking and inspires you to continue improving.  It keeps you progressing as an individual and as a leader.  It guarantees your future will be better than your past.

 

So I say.  Go ahead and review, reflect, recover, rearrange, and recharge on your mistakes, just long enough to let them shape your future in positive ways!!  Discovering the steps you can take to avoid repeated mistakes will invigorate you. The time of reflection generates excitement.  It is a chance to brainstorm and invent new possibilities for the future and look for ways to put new plans into action. For me, in the 8 Weeks of Lessons, I found fulfillment and creativity.

 

To all of my family and friends and past colleagues, thank you for your support while I continue to grow, creating my future. I am EMPLOYED again!

The Vicious Cycle of Unemployment.

Have you ever had a job that you absolutely did not flourish in or were let go from because you were unsuitable?

Unless you were born into a wealthy family or you won the lottery at a young age, chances are, you’ve probably worked somewhere that made you miserable. Maybe you’re still there.

During high school, this type of employment is unavoidable. Beggars can’t be choosers. You have to take what you can get, I remember working at the Mushroom Plant the summer I was 16, it was brutal.  We all need money, it’s an unfortunate fact of life. Yet, should this necessity come at the cost of our happiness? Is having a job that sucks the soul out of you really better than being unemployed?  After all, unemployment is no walk in the park either. It drains your bank account and your self-esteem.

When the economy is tanking, employment becomes increasingly elusive. It doesn’t matter if you were a top performer, a CEO, or volunteered to mentor at the local Boys & Girls club.  It is tough to be older in an economic climate like this. It makes searching for a job an excruciating process.

You send out countless job applications, many of them to positions you’re far overqualified for. You write so many cover letters your head feels like it will explode. Most of the time, you never even hear back. Sometimes they are courteous enough to at least send you an automatic email response, “We have received your application.” In many instances it’s almost worse to have an actual human-being reply. It’s always the same: “Thank you for your application. While we were very impressed by your résumé, your skills set isn't quite what we are looking for at this time, we will keep it on file for future considerations.”

It's a vicious cycle. You apply for jobs you know you are qualified for and so does every other job hunter out there. You shoot for the stars -  for dream jobs that you think you could land with your  years of experience, on the ground training, the many transferable skills you have - and hope to hit the moon but even that is a stretch.  Then you start to apply for jobs you are way over qualified for.  You’re left with few good options. Ultimately, you give up on your dreams and accept a job that will help you pay the bills. You hate it, but it’s better than being out on the streets, right? Wrong.  This sad mentality not only damages the economy in the long run, it’s also bad for your mental health and general well-being.

Unemployment is up right now. A lot of people are giving up.They’re not even in the numbers; they’re not in the count. They’ve been looking for jobs for so long and can’t find the jobs that they’re simply not even trying anymore.

Being unemployed is the worst position an adult can be in. We all need to get paid, and staying connected with the labor market increases a person’s employability in the future.  You don’t want to have large gaps in employment on your résumé, this makes it look as though people had a reason not to hire you.

This is precisely why many people take jobs that they hate and stay in them despite being incredibly unhappy. I found a survey that looked at the well-being and mental health during unemployment and found that being in a bad job is worse for a person’s psychological well-being than being unemployed.  If you’re in a monotonous and unchallenging job in which your work is micromanaged, your mental health will suffer a great deal. Unemployment is stressful, but it still leaves room for possibilities. When you’re unemployed, you focus all of your efforts on finding a fulfilling position. Yet, when you’re working a dead-end job, you’re so depleted at the end of the day it’s difficult to begin thinking about the future, let alone what you’re going to eat for dinner.

We all want to find employment that allows our unique skills to be put to good use. When we end up working somewhere that constricts us, where every day is the same, it chips away at the very essence of our being. Humans aren’t meant to simply pay bills until we die.

As Maya Angelou once aptly stated:

You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead, pursue the things you love doing, and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off you.

 

I have heard there is nothing more rewarding than being in a job you love. They say it makes you excited to wake up in the morning and get to work. Sometimes you actually can’t wait for the weekend to be over because you’re so passionate about what you’re doing.  For me, this simply hasn't been the case. Landing my dream job in today’s world ain’t easy. That doesn’t mean I should give up pursuing it.

Unemployment is scary, believe me I know ~ I've lived and learned through some stumbling, demonstrated more than once in the beauty of messing up and losing my job, but the prospect of wasting my life doing something I wasn't happy in or felt under-valued in, is even more terrifying.

I only get one life, I am 50 soon, I don’t want to waste it. I am going to take risks. I have learned to recognize that even failures have great value.  Struggle is inevitable, it’s what makes victory that much sweeter.

WORD to the WORLD!

What's Your Word?

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

For most of my life I have been cynical and resigned my life to be all the stories about what happened.  

I recently started to really look, I mean really look and sit with the impact of where I haven't been true to myself and what my word has been and why I find myself in the same place time and time again?!?  From what place have I been operating from, and how I have been showing up and where am I selling-out on myself? 

I want to show up as my word - with a purpose in life, to commit, lead and love but over and over again I just have not.

I love wholeheartedly, I keep agreements and promises, I am committed and naturally a leader ~  at least I think I do!   I take care of myself, I am healthy, I take pride in caring about my well-being, my happiness and am mindful of others.   BUT, behind all my love, my commitments, my promises and leadership my word has been fear, I am not enough, judgement, opinionated and I have operated from there since I can remember!!  I have projected myself onto others and am not walking the talk. 

I withheld what I needed from others and was unable to communicate my emotions. My frustration of not being heard turned into anger whenever I did share my feelings with my family and the relationships in my life. In return I experienced anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, and self-doubt. Being predicable and afraid of vulnerability was a huge price to pay so others would accept and love me. 

I became my story. I compromised my integrity because my voice and emotions were neglected.  I used my story to serve as an excuse for my bad behaviour. If I was my story and what happened then I didn’t have to be held accountable for my bad choices.
I learned how to use others to get the love and attention I didn’t give myself. I defined my self-worth by comparing myself to everyone else, to what they had and I didn't. I tried to look good, as I can take of myself and everything is OK, and so I created unattainable standards and ideals that left me disconnected in a world of unworkability and out of integrity!!

It requires real vulnerability to be authentic. What if I show my true colors and people don’t like the real me? Honestly, even as I write this and think about people reading about my flaws it scares me.  I was lost because I wasn't ready to be found. You don't get found by carrying your baggage from the past to the present you get found by charting a new course! I was just a collection of stories of mismatched memories wrapped up into a body and left to associate myself with what's coming.

Authentic people don’t allow their fears to stop them being themselves. If you are focused on being true to yourself in every moment, you don't operate from a place of fear and worry about always looking good.  There is so much freedom and energy to be found in letting go of standards and ideals and the uncontrolable.

Being authentic is a daily practice. It is a moment-by-moment choice of embracing your truth and being fearless enough to share it with the world. When you have nothing to hide and you can freely be yourself with everyone, there is a profound peace and confidence you share with everyone around you!  When you open up the world opens up to you!

"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt."  William Shakespeare