Farm Girl Goes Against the Grain.

It's been a while since blogging and 6 months since moving back home.  I guess I felt I was making some really good choices and by not looking back felt they were the right ones.  I haven't been happier in a very long time, feeling alive, loved and needed and owe it to being honest with myself and going after what was best for me.

Lately, though, I crossed my own boundaries wanting to fulfill a need to give myself something I hadn't had in a very long time.  I made a mistake and because of that I also hurt someone else I truly cared for and respected and wanted to have in my life for a long time.  I second guessed myself and made a choice that ended up hurting us both.  My intentions were never to hurt anyone but I went after something that wasn't for me to have.  I did all this by not being being present and listening to my truest self ~ the result, I'm filled with guilt, shame and disappointment and left someone I wanted to be a trusting, loyal friend to feeling the same.

I know emotions, even the powerful negative ones, are meant to be felt and moved. Without guilt, feelings like fear or anger can flow smoothly and move through us. We feel the feeling - and then it's gone, leaving a space that can later be filled with joy, excitement, power or other emotions.

Guilt is not a feeling, it's a choice and the easiest way to deal with feelings infected with guilt is to deny the feelings. For many of us this has been crucial to maintaining self-esteem and keeping our optimism high enough to go on with life. The problem with this is that denied feelings don't go away, they eventually surface again showing up in a different form. This creates an opening for the parts of us that didn't deal with feelings in the first place to repeat destructive or unwanted patterns of behavior.

Denial is only a coping mechanism. Real healing can come only when the feelings are felt and the guilt is confronted and removed. The truth is that you and I, everyone... we are all innocent. A good conscience does not depend on guilt, but rather on a self-assured sense of what is right and wrong.
Without honest feelings to inform us, it is difficult to achieve that self-assured sense of right and wrong that makes a good conscience. The healing of guilt is in releasing the judgments that hold guilt in place.

It is important to remember that we are here to learn. Learning is a trial and error enterprise. Sometimes we make mistakes, we do things we don't wish to repeat. So we learn. If, however, in the learning process we get infected with guilt - we then feel bad, sometimes really bad. And for me this past couple days the learning experience has turned into an internal crime and courtroom scene with the feeling of guilt as the primary punishment!!!

Learning is part of growing and evolving, and mistakes are excellent feedback in the learning process, if they are used as such. Our culture has taught us that making mistakes is bad, but this is not true. Mistakes are the norm in trial and error learning, and in fact they are necessary for learning.  Learning is already hard enough without being punished for the mistakes that are a necessary part of the process.

I understand that what has caused me to judge against myself, it's not wrong, it's a choice. I have free will and every choice I make is valid, and particularly valid when it's used as a learning experience. I'm sick about what I have done but need to release the  negative judgment until it's no longer there. 

When the judgments upon myself are released I'll be free to decide about how I will feel, will have learned a valuable lesson and not be a repeat offender.

Strong Fences

The building of strong fences keeps others actions and behaviors from hurting, distracting, annoying, or imposing on you, and it creates strong secure kids.

Learned in the early years of life, the most effective way to teach children a boundary is through modeling.  Parents who create a non-judgemental, accepting, warm and understanding environment for their kids are providing an environment for the child to feel safe exploring themselves, their feelings, their own wants and desires, their fears and struggles.

Wow! There's a mouthful! And the word No is too!  A word I wish I was better at using, especially in times where I was questioning the situation I was in, but it sometimes seemed to be the hardest thing to do.  The boundaries I set on how others treated me or behaved around me weren't clear, because I think my parents were insecure in their own lives and experiences, and inadequately prepared to teach me boundaries perhaps they didn't have themselves.  Once again, it's important to clarify, that I was raised in a warm, non-judgemental, healthy, loving home, but sometimes, somethings just weren't communicated.  Therefore, I taught people and allowed people to treat me in a way that affected my self-worth, self- awareness, and confidence. I wasn't able to tell other people that the they were acting was not acceptable.  I didn't have the confidence to know that I had a right to protect and defend myself.  That I not only had the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how I allowed others to treat me.

Some of the members of the current generation of parents seem to have difficulty setting and enforcing limits and boundaries for their children. Others have consciously or unconsciously decided that being their child's friend is more important than being a parent. Parenting is not an identity, but rather a role you have been blessed with and duty to your kids. Setting strong boundaries is important for protecting the body, mind, and spirit. Setting boundaries can make an enormous impact on the quality of a child's life. It is a major step in taking control of their life and vital for taking responsibility for them self and the  lives of  others. It is the one skill I wished I developed sooner in life, in order to create the kind of life I really wanted. 

Steps to building strong fences:

1. Set limits and consequences together. Rules are set best when parents and children set them together. Being a part of the rule-setting process helps them understand the rules and consequences better.

 

2. Show your love by consistent application. Being a "marshmallow mum or dad" that gives into the kids regularly rather than enforcing the rules of good behavior may seem fun and loving, but it is not showing true love and concern for them. Having them obey rules and face the consequences when they are broken is real love.

3. Make the consequences stick. When the rule is violated, remind the child of the consequence and make it happen. No matter what. Consistent application gives the child a feeling of security in knowing that your word is real and that you expect hers to be the same.

4. Remember that firmness is not cruelty. Being firm creates a strong foundation in your relationship with your child. You can be firm but kind. And you should be fair. That is why a clear setting of expectations for behavior and the consequences - good or bad- is important in this process. 

Strong fences shows love for your children. The mum and dad who work with their children to set boundaries and consequences for appropriate behavior and administer them fairly, firmly and consistently create a relationship of trust, and helps them develop into responsible and dependable adults.

Mending fences isn't fun, I've done it one too many times and know that it's a lot of work! So take the  time to set yourself and kids up for success and create strong fences right out the gate!

Teach Kids Reality

Even the busiest parents can turn household chores into an opportunity to teach their children. 

As a young child growing up on a farm, I learned the value of a days work and what it meant to earn my way.  My parents engaged me in the everyday goings on in life, allowed me to pursue athletics, and different clubs and that in turn enabled me to make good decisions, be confident and successful as I grew older.

 
Balancing the checkbook, doing laundry, paying bills, feeding animals, planting and harvesting crops, hoeing the garden. While these tasks elicit feelings of monotony in most adults, they present challenges for children and teenagers. Money management, cooking and cleaning are important life skills that children need to master before they leave home. Learning them at an early age fosters independence and helps build confidence. With these benefits in mind, parents can turn the necessary evil of chore time into teaching time.

Life Skills Kids Can’t Live Without

Parents should teach life skills that match the age of their children and their family’s priorities.  And empower them to lead healthy and active lifestyles. 

• How to plan and follow a budget and explain the importance of record-keeping and saving receipts.  How to write a check, pay a bill and read a monthly bank or credit statement. Let children develop a budget with their monthly allowance.
• How to perform simple repairs, such as changing a light bulb or installing a faucet washer.
• How to prepare simple – yet nutritious - meals.
• How to read a map, a catalog, a phone book and a utility bill. Let your child navigate the next road trip.
• How to sort, wash, dry, iron and fold laundry. Teach basic housekeeping skills. Even preschoolers can dust!
• Basic sewing skills. Knowing how to sew buttons and hems will come in handy throughout their lives.
• Pack a suitcase. Let children practice with their own travel bag so they can pack themselves when it’s time for the next vacation.
• Teach children how to use the telephone during an emergency. Put children in charge of drills periodically to test their readiness.
• Get them involved in physical activities, and engage in that activity with them! Teach them healthy lifestyle habits that will give them a foundation to become role models for the future!

Today’s families are busier than ever. Many parents today feel stressed about carving out adequate quality time with their children. Turning chore time into family time can take some of the pressure off parents who feel guilty about working outside the home. By performing tasks together, children learn important lessons about responsibility. Teaching the “game of life” requires parents to invest time and patience, but the dividends can be priceless.

Integrity in Professional Athletes

Professional athletes are public figures and as such their personal lives become public information in many cases. There are many athletes who display a high degree of integrity in their actions while others do not. Professional athletes are role models and as such their decisions and actions influence a number of people who look up to them. When an athlete displays poor behaviour on the profession and the team to which they belong they should be held to account. However, there are those who display a high degree of integrity and professionalism but do not seem to get the recognition beyond their immediate community/region.

Many professional athletes are an asset to their communities and deserve to be recognized for their contributions beyond their community. Today it seems that those who have problems get more of the attention while others who contribute positively to their community do not. Those professional athletes who behave badly should be penalized financially. There have been times where professional athletes have been called on the carpet for their actions, such as suspension from playing and their pay being forfeited.

All professional athlete contracts should have a clause establishing rules for acceptable behaviour and the penalties for displaying poor behaviour! If such rules exist they should be more publicized. Everyone makes mistakes and people should be allowed some consideration to some extent, but nothing happens by accident. Somewhere a choice was made that had a poor result.  However if the actions and/or behaviour is continually repeated for which they have been held accountable, then I think their contract should be terminated. It is better to have athletes who respect their profession than those who constantly bring embarrassment. Embarrassment applies to their profession, their team and their community. 

Professional sports will gain respect from the public if they promote integrity and enforce the penalties that are in place for violation.

Integrity in our society seems to be lacking today and professional sports can be a leader in making a statement that integrity is important. 

Your Kids Our Future

Over the past several days I've had the privilege of sharing time with my daughter, grand daughter, niece and nephew. It's made me realize there is nothing in this world I feel more grateful for and more passionate about then children and their success.

Teaching children about empathy and emotional literacy and giving them the tools to succeed will help support early childhood development and to create mindful well adjusted youth, who can then transition into adulthood leading successfully fulfilling lives.

One of the exercises I was instructed to do in my training as a life coach was to create a collage and do a presentation about the first 20 years of my life.  The purpose of the collage was to have students come to an understanding of the way we came to be, and the things that took place in our lives that affected our emotions, actions and thoughts and ultimately our behaviours for life to come.  In that 20 minute presentation, I learned allot about myself and how the influence of my parents and other adults behaviour affected the choices I made, the way I felt about myself and how I came to be in this world 24 years later. 

I recently began reading the Roots of Empathy, Changing the World Child by Child by Mary Gordon, in it she writes, "There is an unexpected magnificence in our children and an underestimated power in their ability to change our world for the better.  It is in our children that we go beyond the frontiers of science and technology to explore the recess of the heart."  I can't agree more, somewhere along the way we have forgotten how to appreciate the power of our children to affect social change.  The power of parenting is to positively affect childrens success, to teach them to be empathic towards others to empower them, validate them and to lead by example.

Please don't misunderstand, I had very a loving warm home, and parents who taught me to be empathic towards others, to work hard and appreciate what was given to me, who demonstrated and taught good values.  The tough part was they weren't always there for me on an emotional level, therefore as a child and as an adult I wasn't able to express my feelings, or understand them and overtime I began to lack a sense of self worth.  I took everything I did upon myself to figure out, good or bad, it was me that I needed to rely on. I didn't feel I was good enough or when I needed help I was too afraid to ask out of fear of looking weak. As a child, young teen and women I didn't always have the positive nurturing and attention I was craving and as a result I began making poor choices trying to get it. 

The challenge you see is to prevent our children from following our footsteps; the challenge is to find a way out of repeating the cycle of addiction, violence, poor literacy, low self esteem and poor parenting that is being passed on from one generation to the next.  The way we treat and care for our children has a profound impact on our schools, our economy and our future.  We can't afford to underestimate the power and the importance of the early years and the family in building the kind of world where children lead the way.

I love my family dearly and feel a responsibility to be the best possible mother, aunt and grandmother I can be by being empathic to my daughter, my nieces and nephews and grand daughter.  It's my responsibility as it is yours to break the cycle and give our children every opportunity for greatness, the greatness they should have and so deserve.

Jayne

Rule Your Mind or it Will Rule You.

Stress is a fact of the life in our fast-paced world.  But unless we find ways to manage it, stress can lead to serious health problems, such as heart disease, substance abuse, depression, injuries and obesity.

Research confirms that individuals who suffer from stress have higher healthcare costs than non-stressed individuals. And, medical claims connected to stress come with an annual price tag for the county in the billions.

How do you define stress? Stress occurs when the individual perceives a challenge and judges that his or her coping resources may not be sufficient to manage the challenge.

Often, the reality is that we’re meeting a challenge just fine. But, if we think otherwise, the situation can become “stressful.” What some perceive as stressful may not faze others; so, in order to develop effective coping strategies, each person must learn his or her own stress triggers and responses. No one can make you feel inferior without your permission. 

Eating to Satisfy Hunger or Alleviate Stress?

Unfortunately, overeating is one of the most common responses to stress. Using food this way can make a bad situation even worse.

Common habitual behaviors used to “get through” stressful situations include:

Eating or drinking to calm down

Eating to get extra energy

Eating to avoid something unpleasant

Eating to zone out or numb feelings

Not eating when you should, because you are in a hurry

Not eating what you should, also due to time constraints

Eating too fast without adequate time to register physiological “fullness” cues

 

Goal Is to Manage Stress, Not Eliminate It

Eliminating stress is not possible, or even desirable. Appropriate levels of stress improve performance, while the absence of stress causes boredom. Just as too much stress can lead to overeating, too little stress is also associated with non-hunger eating. In our culture, we are so used to being busy and “revved up” that we are uncomfortable if bored. Lack of stress can be a trigger for those who turn to food as a source of entertainment.

Helping individuals understand how stress and excessive eating are connected, can help them prevent obesity and other health conditions. I will help you feel better, have an improved self-image, and become more productive. Everyone sets the new year's resolution goal to lose weight and gives up by week 6 because they are not getting the results quick enough or have given into the negative self talk sabotaging any success. By dealing with behaviours, we are working with things we can observe, thereby learning what triggers those behaviours, in turn getting the results you want. 

Becoming active is the most important step you can take to maintain and improve your health. Physical activity helps prevent weight gain, diabetes, heart disease, and other life-altering conditions. By engaging in physical activity, you can also reduce stress and improve mood.

Transform Your Health! Transform Your Life!  Are you finally ready to make a CHANGE? Do you want a life with greater VITALITY? Are you serious about committing to transforming your health…once and for all? Are you STRESSED out? Do you have unwanted weight, inches to lose and unsure of where to start? Together we will design a program to EMPOWER you and coach you to SUCCESS! We will work closely, and I will support you every step of the way.

Restart your life with reFre5h Life Coaching.  

The Law of Attraction

I've been fortunate enough to be blessed with a wonderful loving family. A family that would do anything for me, yet when it comes to knowing one another's needs and wishes we don't know each other at all! It's not because we don't want to know. Is it because we're afraid to be vulnerable, afraid of being hurt, afraid to reveal our true selves and disappoint those who love us most?

After years of what feels like a broken heart and trying to find love and the answers to my pain, I finally heard the voice inside me telling me that this seeking and trying to find answers to heal your broken heart isn't working.  It's true, I spent so many years complaining about the hardships I had and the failures, I forgot to recognize the good things that were happening to me today. I also failed to recognize no matter what I did, I was always going to have the love and support of my family. So why then was it so difficult to let them in and include them to what was really going on for me?

I attempted to conquer life all on my own for a very long time, to this day apart of me succumbs to the believe it's me that has to figure things out, since I made the choice that put me here. All good if you're taking responsibility for your behaviour and accountability for how your behaviour affects others, but not if the those that love you aren't allowed to participate in your life. How will they know if I don't include them?  How can they participate when I have shut them out? What would life be like if we accepted the love from family and others? When you start believing in yourself completely and believing love is available to you, who knows how high you will climb! Imagine the possibilities! 

We all want to have love in our lives and to be loved. At some point in my life I decided I wasn't worthy of it.  I was lovable and was capable of giving love, had friends, family and opportunities many wished for, so why was I alone? I determined it was better for me to be alone, I designed my life to be that way.  I had been doing everything alone and had a real difficult time accepting any kind of compassion. I learned the very thing that what was holding me back from having love in my life was not accepting love.

If we manifest a life without love, sad but true this is what we will have. If we develop a clear and centered state of consciousness and a willingness to center ourselves and use powers of the heart in a world that is difficult to find love we will invite a line up of people that want to be with us. All you have to is have a look and pick one! 

So each and every one of us are manifesting through the energy we emanate through our thoughts, words and actions. You are already interacting with the Law of Attraction; every action an equal reaction. A shift from the pushing and pulling to a realistic world in which consciousness plays a role. Keep it simple and definitely don't push.  Let go of expectations that life has to be any particular way. Let go and take life as it comes. Let go and let things be the way they are. It requires a willingness to be equals with the universe, when we are equal with all that is, we support the universe and the universe supports us.

Will YOU Be My Valentine?

Valentine's Day, February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions. It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering chocolates, and sending cards and valentines. Since the beginning of time people have wanted to be to be in pairs. But what if you are alone on Valentine's Day or you are unsure of where you are at emotionally, or maybe you have a valentine you dream to be with?

As with everything in life we learn by our experiences and our relationships are no different. It might even be with our relationships we learn the most about ourselves and the person we were in relationship with. Our relationships whether with a mate, in the work place, family and friends and self are key to bringing balance and love into our lives. Sadly, many people think it's near impossible to manage all their relationships, they cut them loose when the going gets tough, give up and move on hoping to start all over with some one new. The sad part here is, it brings frustration to any relationship and we end up blaming others for our own miscommunication.

When we understand the wisdom of our heart we are less inclined to be alone and better equipped to bring the kind of love we want into our lives. To gain insight and clarity to where you are at emotionally this Valentine's Day invest in yourself. 

Set aside some quiet time to investigate past or present relationships. Write a letter that no one will read but will help you reveal your hearts desire. It might be to your partner, an ex, a boss, a friend or family member, ask the questions you always wanted answered. Write down all the things you couldn't say but wished you had, include all the memories good and bad. Try not to analyze it, just let it flow from your heart. When you think you have written all you can put it aside or better yet sleep on it. When you return to it highlight anything you find unusual or interesting, picking up things you might not have otherwise noticed, these are messages from your heart. Think about what they mean and what your heart is telling you. When the time is right, ask yourself what you would like to do with the letter? Put it in a keep-sake box, place in a bottle and let it go in the ocean, burn it, bury it or even send it.

Within every relationship is the power to heal and to hurt and whether we like it or not we are doing it in every moment of our lives.  If you have no Valentine this February 14th, spend some time understanding the wisdom of your hearts desire and you might just have Cupid shooting his bow and arrow inspiring you in romance and courtship.

Inner Guidance System

We all face moments when we want nothing more than to react loudly when someone pushes our buttons or do the "right thing" even though it's not the popular thing to do. Growth comes from all of our experiences. When we choose to take the "high road" it's usually a result of having taken the low road at a turn somewhere in our paths.

I was recently confronted by a situation that shocked me, and made my blood boil. Yes, sure I could have taken a big old wooden spoon and stirred that pot even further. Instead, I decided to investigate what was it about this situation that got me so angry and was it even anger?! What's really going on here? 

We all have an inner GPS that knows what's best for us that can support us to be in sync with our true selves. Making choices from consciousness and becoming more aware of feelings, needs and wants will help to guide us from map to map in the atlas called life. Emotions are what moves us to action, sometimes it's important to take your foot of the gas. It's how we use our emotions to navigate the high roads and low roads and use that information for decision-making and realize that it's not just something that happens to you. We don't just end up in the middle of the road by chance, somewhere along the way we decided on what route to take.

In the past I did take the low road on occasion and learned very quickly it leads to nowhere. I wasn't paying attention to my GPS.  Which meant I wasn't managing my emotions, handling them appropriately, or taking responsibility for my feelings either.  

It wasn't anger I discovered. There was an underlying emotion for me that this situation had triggered in my inner guidance system, and another moment in everyday life where I had a decision to make. Was I going to take the 'high road' and shrug off a negative situation or engage in it?  Needless to say, I took the "high road".  I have become more self-aware and gained further understanding of my likes and dislikes, my strengths and weaknesses and my personality ~ all parts of my inner GPS.

When we know our feelings we are better pilots in our lives. We have the emotional intelligence to manage our emotions, we cope better in tough situations. We have the skills to manage ourselves, so we don't just do whatever our impulses suggest.  We recognize emotions in others, we can empathize with others and sense their needs and are better equipped to handle our relationships.

Getting to know your GPS and how you can navigate the atlas of life will certainly make the trip less bumpy and keep you on the 'high road'.

Courage Doesn't Always Roar

Courage shows up in different ways, it can be physical like firefighters, police officers, and soldiers or in individual acts of bravery. There's another kind of courage though, and it's not a chance gift of nature that decided to just show up one day. It's a choice between two alternatives, the determination not to quit or sacrifice your wants and needs.

It certainly takes courage to face your fears, to go through the emotions and to stand up for yourself and your personal system of values. It also takes courage to live within that system of values, especially when they get tested day after day. It takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, and not to compromise your own belief system. It's that reliable consistent courage that helps to get us through our lives, it helps the terminally ill to fight another day, the unemployed to keep looking for work, the single mom who works 2 jobs, pay the bills and feed her kids.  

Within each of us is a fearless fighting warrior, not worrier.  It's means shifting from giving your powers away to something you imagined to be a disaster or horrible event to owning your powers, taking back your voice and owning what was your in the first place. Worriers tend to allow fearful and negative thoughts determine their lives, so much so they end up feeling helpless and powerless. 

Wouldn't it feel better to confront your fears,to stand strong, trust yourself and be courageous?  I would bet every time you faced your fears and did it anyway, you would say YES!

Soul Side Out

I'm a firm believer of when we be our best self or who we are meant to be we inspire others to do the same.

The project of me becoming more self aware and being my true self is taking some doing, but fortunately I only have to do it one step at a time.  I think sometimes, as most of us do, that things will change in an instant.  They don't, anything worthwhile takes dedication. And to learn more about who we really are so we can express ourselves and love in the world we need to show up in our purest form.

My relationship with myself is where it began, and by enrolling in emotional intelligence and life coaching classes(that were mostly experiential) I learned I was still carrying around baggage. It was like being in therapy for 3 months. I got in touch with my feelings again and learned how to give other people room to share theirs. An unexpected surprise took place, partly due to me projecting myself onto another classmate but mostly because my eyes opened up to what I'd been doing myself. I discovered I have the skill to work in coaching but more so for me to be a great and authentic coach, I had to be true to me.  Who was going to trust me if I hadn't dealt with my own baggage?

I needed to dump out the emotional baggage and come clean. I wanted to move forward so badly, that I had to take the risks and be vulnerable in order to understand what was holding me back. Until I came face to face with my fears and went through the emotions I would always continue to carry that baggage.  Some of it from my childhood, some of it from my teens, some in adulthood, a lot to carry around when you think about it.  But, what was getting me through this emotional pain was knowing where I was going.  I wasn't getting away from these things, I was going toward a life of soul awareness and fulfillment.

I learned to put myself in my future and design goals for my life, the life I wanted. Along the way, old patterns emerged but because I had engaged in my journey moving forward instead of the past and I wasn't trying to fix things, I was learning to locate what was important for me to become ME, my best self.   I also learned that after awhile I was a damn good coach and my classmates loved me for being authentic.

I believe it's so important to teach people how to locate their feelings and name them correctly. To communicate clearly about their inner experiences. How to make and keep agreements with ourselves and others. How to discover our life and choose conscious goals. And how to love and accept ourselves as the foundation for learning to love others.

We have been given the gift to wander and ask.  Our life is truly what we make it to be, we all know deep inside us we will find our true selves.  All you have to do is not be afraid to ask!

What a Difference a Day Makes

Bring on the Vitamin D! What a great feeling to have the sun shine on your skin, seeing the big blue sky and to hear the birds singing.  It's almost that time of year in Vancouver, where we'll soon see the trees budding, and bright yellow daffodils.

A couple years ago I jumped on, Ekhart Tolle, bandwagon.  Did the whole Skype thing with Oprah, every Monday night at 7pm for 10 weeks I would sit with her, Ekhart and millions of others.  I admit I was a little skeptical to the whole thing, the 'Power of Now' and 'Awakening Your Life's True Purpose' by being present in the moment and to slow down my thinking. What, how?  There has to be more to it than that, no magic formula that would help me answer my own questions and get me unstuck?  How do you bring joy, purpose and stillness into your life in a world that never stops, where people's state of consciousness is so ego-based and the world is in conflict? 

I started to ask myself questions, " What does life want from me?".  " How am I getting caught up in my thoughts?".  "What is it that I am putting out to the world, resentment, negativity -perhaps?".  "What is my relationship with myself and the present moment?".  All these questions helped me to put things into perspective and I soon became more aware of my own behaviors and that I didn't like what I was seeing.  I was always thinking about the past and the future and how I was going to deal with what was and what might be instead of what is!  I wasn't ever satisfied.  How could I be?  I was always thinking about what I had to do to change things that already happened or hadn't happened yet!

Granted Ekhart Tolle, has it nailed. I was very inspired purely by his ability to quiet his mind, to eliminate the mental noise and be at peace with the present moment and what is.  All I knew was that my conditioned thinking from the past, and old thoughts needed to change.  I had to stop identifying with the old thoughts and recognize them as past voices.  I soon realized my mind was just a small part of who I was, but I was allowing it to be everything about me.

It's definitely a work in progress.  I do try everyday to do an everyday task and be actually conscious of being present. We are always thinking about the next moment.  Everything we do is a means to an end, but the present moment is all that we have.  Life is too short to spend trying to get somewhere fast, there's an innocence, a sweetness and beauty of this world that still shines through that we seem to miss as insensitive humans.   

An essential part of finding YOU, is the recognition of the "unawakened you". Not everyone is ready yet, but my sense is that the world is ready for transformation. Things can't give you satisfaction, the world cannot give you happiness. So, don't allow the things you have or don't have define who you are.  Dissolve that old consciousness and there is bound to be an abundance of flowering changes.

The Power of Choice

I think, I feel, I choose.  Recognize and claim the power of choice in your life. To recognize the connection between what you think, and feel and the choices you make. To be more conscious.

After a number of lengthy conversations on the phone with a friend and colleague about change and choice and all that I have been sharing in this blog, along with my very own daily ups and downs in this time of transition, I realized the choices I've been making equal my experience and my results. I think X, I feel Y and I choose Z. I know all this yet, sometimes it's hard to do the math!  

We attract by default the life experiences that are appropriate to our unconscious programming, somewhere along the way I decided that this is the way it's going to be, "that's the way life is" mentality. If we begin to bring positive concepts and thoughts into our minds, these positive images begin to take hold and change our circumstances.  Often times we get too attached to circumstances and the outcome. Create more space for the experience and when you ask with genuine wonder, your normal mental process will shift, allowing for something new to occur. 

We are always getting what we want, we manifest it in our intentions - you get out what you put in. We interfere with ourselves and get in our own way.  By being more honest with ourselves and with others creates a positive energy around us and we come into alignment with our heart. Negative thoughts create sabotage and keep us from moving forward.  We have absolute control of what we think, feel and do, and the choices we make determine our experiences in life!

Recognize your choice; go through a week and simply label your choices. For example: I choose coffee.  I choose to take a break.  I choose to go to the gym.  I choose to focus on my writing, instead of watching TV or talking on the phone. As you go through your week identify situations that were not that satisfying - things you wanted a different result from, conflicts or things that did not end the way you wish they had.  At the end of each day, write yourself a note. When_________________________this happens, I think_____________________________and feel__________________________and the choice I make is____________________________.

Notice how often you choose and how you choose. Don't try to analyze, just be a good observer. If you journal your observations you will end up with a clear example of your process and that will help you make better choices and useful changes.

Even I am learning to be fully conscious and more self awareness. I will try to align my head and heart, be committed to self and others and allow it to happen. Know my triggers of self-sabotage.  Be at choice with my life.

If you don't choose life someone will choose it for you ~ go out and create your own experience! 

Change Happens

Welcomed or not, change is unavoidable.  Life itself is change and each moment is different from the next and many we experience are under our control.  Face it, things happen we can't do anything about, we might feel helpless if we see or hear about tragedies on TV, or when we face personal  loss.  Even unexpected rain on our camping trips is frustrating and out of our control. It's how we manage it that helps us navigate the course of our lives.

It's been a month of change for me, maybe even a year.  A lot of change and transition taking place, economic situations, family ties, the change of residence, all things I can work to improve.  There are other kinds of changes I can make by myself - my behaviors, thoughts and feelings, and these kinds of changes will help me to successfully transition from here to there.

People who are successful self - changing individuals follow powerful predictable courses, they don't depend on luck or willpower.  It's a process of knowing where they are at and how they manage their lives in that moment.  Once you determine where you are at in your own life you can create a climate where positive change can occur, you are able to maintain motivation, turn set backs into opportunities and progress, make new habits helpful to you and a permanent part of your life.

How do you determine where you are at?  To make the unconscious, conscious.  It makes sense to raise your level of awareness and acknowledge what is happening for you right now.  It's like Dr.Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge"!  

Resist change and you will be met with resistance, a constant tug of war. Resistance will show up in many ways in self talk, " it's too hard, it's not my problem, I don't have enough time, I'll do it later, I don't have enough money", don't underestimate the power of the change monster. It's a survival strategy, one you can get past. Once you are able to recognize those behaviour don't serve you anymore, kick them to the curb. If you are able to get past the fear of the unknown you will gain insights on what works for you and what doesn't.  Let go and life opens itself up for you!  

It's a process of doing and being.  Stay with the process and create a support structure. Use that support to be strong with yourself and committed. Use intention and stay the course!

Happy trails!

Chasing Happiness Revisited

Some one a very long time ago concluded, more than anything else, all men and women seek is happiness. While happiness is sought to be found in everything from, health, beauty, fame, fortune and power is it really making us happy?   We think so because we believe having these things is the answer to our happiness.  Have things really changed over the past 200 or 300 hundred years? Do we understand happiness anymore now than we did back then?

We might be healthier and live longer and grow older, despite the fact those that have the least among us, are even surrounded by material things ~ even they turn on the TV, or have luxuries that cannot fulfill the need to be happy or the void of boredom and anxiety.  It seems we spend most of our lives looking for what makes us happy, in things and stuff, as a result at the end of life we feel our lives have been wasted.  

Happiness is not something that happens or is found in material things.  It is not the result of winning the lottery, or a big fancy car, or being the leader of a billion dollar company.  It's isn't found in outside events, it's cultivated in our thoughts and how we interpret them.  I know I keep going back to our thoughts and how changing our thoughts changes our lives, it's because that's where happiness will be found.  People who learn to control their inner experiences or thoughts will be able to determine the quality of their own lives. 

Yes, easier said than done and how do we do this you ask?  It's a work in progress, and one I am determined to conquer.  I believe it means being involved in every aspect of our lives, 100%, good or bad and not trying to look for it.   Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychologist said, " don't aim for it, the more you make it a target, the more you are going to miss it".  So, how do we reach this elusive goal that we can't reach directly?  I would have to say, it starts with being conscious and real.  Our perceptions of our lives have shaped us and our experiences, each having an impact on the way we feel.

There's not much we can do about the way we look, but we have the ability to change the way we think and the way we feel.  We can decide to change those behaviours, thus cultivating a path to happiness.

How You Think You Are

One thing that I have to say is the most important behaviour I have changed this past year is to let go and to break free from the past and to not identify with it.  Breaking free of the past and past behaviour opens up so many opportunities for change.

The beginning of breaking free or letting go lies first in learning to be with the emotional discomfort rather than run away from it. Being with the pain allows you to deal with it, bring acceptance to the present moment - the moment already exists. Feel it, accept it, allow it and choose to do something about it.  You are not the emotion, so don't identify with it. When you stop identifying with the emotion it doesn't control your thoughts and you begin to disconnect the link ~ change your thinking, change your emotions.  It has no hold over you any longer.  "Emotion in itself is not unhappiness. Only emotion plus an unhappy story is unhappiness".  Ekhart Tolle

Knowing yourself goes far deeper than a set of idea and beliefs.  Knowing yourself has nothing to do with whatever ideas you have floating around in your mind or what you identify with. You are not your story!   Your sense of self is determined by what matters to you in your life - and whatever matters to you has the ability to upset and disturb you.  What matters to you isn't necessarily what you say or believe, it's what your actions and reactions reveal.  You might want to ask yourself, " what are the things that upset or disturb me most?"  If these things have power to upset you, you may want to get curious, be still(quiet the mind) and pay attention to what triggers this behaviour.  Become more alert when a challenging situation happens ~ we are never upset for the things that we think.

The power beyond what we perceive - think, feel, act - can shine through once you let go of that identity.

Chasing Happiness

If you are one of those people who is trying to find happiness, you won't find it because trying to find it is the exact opposite of happiness. Happiness is difficult to catch, but freedom from unhappiness isn't, by facing what is making you unhappy rather than making up stories about it.  There is nothing you can do, face what is going on for you and say, " this is how it is, I can either accept it, or make myself even more unhappy."  

The number one cause of unhappiness is the way we think, our thoughts about it.  Be aware of the your thoughts, you change the way you feel. Instead of making up stories, stick with the facts. There are 3 domains of learning within us; affective (feeling or emotional), cognitive (thinking or intellectual) and psycho-motor (behave or physical).  Change happens when all three elements are addressed in the learning process.  By changing the emotion, actions and thoughts will change. Change the cognitive and psycho-motor changes.  Change the psycho-motor, cognitive and affective domains will shift. Your thoughts limit you and prevent you from taking effective action.  Facing the facts is always empowering.  Be aware of what you think, see the link between your thinking and your emotions.

Chasing happiness is a waste of time. Unhappiness covers up your natural state of well-being and inner peace, the source of true happiness.

What is Life Coaching and why we all need one

Life coaching is a practice with the aim of helping clients determine and achieve personal goals.

Life Coaches use different methods that help clients with the process of setting and reaching goals, with an emphasis on current behaviours rather than the past or motivations and focus on the teaching process to help you reach your goals. 

Life Skills Coach trainings objective is to assist individuals to think through their problems, to support clients to become aware of creative problem-solving and to put them into practice. The coach may apply mentoring, values assessment, behavior modification, behavior modeling, goal-setting and other techniques in helping their clients. Thus, Life Skills can be defined as problem-solving behaviours used responsibly and appropriately in the management of personal affairs; applied to all areas in life; self, family, community, employment and leisure.

 

Originally designed to help “socio-economically disadvantaged” adults who lacked skills to indentify problems, recognize and organize that information, then create an action plan to solve the problem and predict the consequences changed with the evolution of life skills. The developers soon learned life skills training can be used in many situations and can be helpful to both the advantaged and disadvantaged.

Government bodies have not found it necessary to provide a regulatory standard for life coaching, nor govern the education or training standard for the life coaching industry; the title of "coach" can be used by any service provider. Multiple coaching schools and training programs are available, allowing for many accreditation options. However, more and more organizations, corporations, clinics, and individuals alike are integrating coaching into their wellness programs and lifestyles.  Clients are looking for a coach "to really listen to them and give honest feedback." The top three issues in which clients seek help are time management, career and business.

Let me tell you a story about why we all need a coach.  Why we need someone to help us develop the plan and someone who will hold you accountable for working towards that goal.

Most weekday mornings I go to the gym before I go to work. About a year and a half ago I did this and was heading down to work. I used to keep chocolate covered almonds in my car in case I got hungry going to work or coming home.  As I was driving I grabbed a handful and proceeded to eat them. I pulled into the parking lot a while later grabbed my stuff and proceeded to walk to my office. I passed a few staff members on the way holding doors, saying "Good Morning". Walking away several of the people were smiling, almost laughing, as I left them.  I was thinking to myself about what a small difference I made in their days. I was feeling good! Later that morning I was at my desk talking to someone and got up from my chair to get something. I looked down and saw what looked like a melted chocolate covered almond on my chair. I asked the person I was meeting with if I had something on the back of my pants. Needless to say she started laughing. Turns out I dropped a couple of the chocolate covered almonds on my car seat on the way into work. They melted all over the back of my pants .

How does this embarrassing story relate to coaching?

I thought everything was normal and people were smiling because I was being thoughtful and kind. It turns out I wasn't having the impact I thought I was, they just found my "dirty pants" funny. Unless you are working with a coach you are somewhat blind to your behaviour, how you are "showing up" or even how your behaviour might be affecting others and vice versa! You can't see everything that you need to work on. You can't always develop a plan to change because you can't see yourself the way other people do!

Even coaches need coached, shouldn't you find one too?

Find out how reFre5h Life Skills Coaching can help you restart your life!