Vulnerability has been a challenge for me over the years, how I show it, what happens when I am vulnerable and the level of trust it requires. The thing about vulnerability is that it can be scary on one hand and on the other opens the door and frees you for endless possibilities. There is so much risk, doubt and emotional exposure by being vulnerable. Imagine the vulnerability it takes to love someone - love is filled with uncertainty and risk. I know in my experience and even though I put on a strong front when love and vulnerability have hurt me I can't numb the emotions, because when we numb fear and worry we also numb joy and gratitude.
I have come to understand how being vulnerable is the greatest strength I have. You can't experience love and life without feeling life. I have learned that being vulnerable to someone you love is not a weakness, it's a strength and takes courage.
For so long I worked so hard to suppress my vulnerabilities, I created a character that wasn't me, a much shinier sparkly version. I built up emotional walls high enough that no one could peer over and see my realness. Like many of you, I fostered pain and shame and when I was old enough to realize I could cover it up, I shoveled whatever crap I could over it to make myself feel better.
The thing I didn't consider was the ever present song of the real me wanting to sing out. What I under estimated was the power of the real me I'd buried alive. As much as I wanted to forget my old self out of existence and remake myself into Wonder Woman, I
didn't understand the Wonder Woman was just me with my limitations, pain, flaws, failures and shame.
Every single one of us wants love, connection, self respect, safety and meaning. We want to be fully accepted for who we are, just the way we are, we want to be embraced and loved and for someone to say, it's ok.
I understand now, beauty lies in the whole package, shared human experiences, the good and the bad and longing to find someone who feels the same - I found the way to love myself not in spite of but because of my vulnerabilities. Finding others in your life who hold your pain with tender dignity, love, and safety is indepensable, it's the key to building your self esteem.
I strive for positive change and growth. I may be getting older but that doesn't mean I decided to be sedentary or stop taking care of myself. Using my vulnerabilities made me a better person, and the joy of being me and loving myself as I am is intoxicating. What happened, for me is, I opened my heart and it made me better!
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as hard as running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy.
