The building of strong fences keeps others actions and behaviors from hurting, distracting, annoying, or imposing on you, and it creates strong secure kids.
Learned in the early years of life, the most effective way to teach children a boundary is through modeling. Parents who create a non-judgemental, accepting, warm and understanding environment for their kids are providing an environment for the child to feel safe exploring themselves, their feelings, their own wants and desires, their fears and struggles.
Wow! There's a mouthful! And the word No is too! A word I wish I was better at using, especially in times where I was questioning the situation I was in, but it sometimes seemed to be the hardest thing to do. The boundaries I set on how others treated me or behaved around me weren't clear, because I think my parents were insecure in their own lives and experiences, and inadequately prepared to teach me boundaries perhaps they didn't have themselves. Once again, it's important to clarify, that I was raised in a warm, non-judgemental, healthy, loving home, but sometimes, somethings just weren't communicated. Therefore, I taught people and allowed people to treat me in a way that affected my self-worth, self- awareness, and confidence. I wasn't able to tell other people that the they were acting was not acceptable. I didn't have the confidence to know that I had a right to protect and defend myself. That I not only had the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how I allowed others to treat me.
Some of the members of the current generation of parents seem to have difficulty setting and enforcing limits and boundaries for their children. Others have consciously or unconsciously decided that being their child's friend is more important than being a parent. Parenting is not an identity, but rather a role you have been blessed with and duty to your kids. Setting strong boundaries is important for protecting the body, mind, and spirit. Setting boundaries can make an enormous impact on the quality of a child's life. It is a major step in taking control of their life and vital for taking responsibility for them self and the lives of others. It is the one skill I wished I developed sooner in life, in order to create the kind of life I really wanted.
Steps to building strong fences:
1. Set limits and consequences together. Rules are set best when parents and children set them together. Being a part of the rule-setting process helps them understand the rules and consequences better.
2. Show your love by consistent application. Being a "marshmallow mum or dad" that gives into the kids regularly rather than enforcing the rules of good behavior may seem fun and loving, but it is not showing true love and concern for them. Having them obey rules and face the consequences when they are broken is real love.
3. Make the consequences stick. When the rule is violated, remind the child of the consequence and make it happen. No matter what. Consistent application gives the child a feeling of security in knowing that your word is real and that you expect hers to be the same.
4. Remember that firmness is not cruelty. Being firm creates a strong foundation in your relationship with your child. You can be firm but kind. And you should be fair. That is why a clear setting of expectations for behavior and the consequences - good or bad- is important in this process.
Strong fences shows love for your children. The mum and dad who work with their children to set boundaries and consequences for appropriate behavior and administer them fairly, firmly and consistently create a relationship of trust, and helps them develop into responsible and dependable adults.
Mending fences isn't fun, I've done it one too many times and know that it's a lot of work! So take the time to set yourself and kids up for success and create strong fences right out the gate!
